Canvas
by onyxrush707
Summary: After Edward's been back for a few weeks, he sees Bella's scars and confronts her. R&R!


I sat on my bed, my head in my hands. Charlie was out late at Billy's watching some football game and Edward was going to get from hunting in an hour. Poor Edward kept refusing to go, but I finally told him that he had to go or it would be getting unsafe for him to be near me.

_How can I hide this from Edward much longer? It's been Hell trying to keep this secret for just 7 weeks, what's this going to be like for the rest of eternity? What if I slip up? What if I can't keep this secret forever? He's going to find to find out one of these days and he's going to be so mad at me for this!! Or worse - much worse - at himself._

A tear started to roll down my cheek as I pulled my head up and rolled up my sleeves to my bony elbows. I looked at the visible signs of my heart's deepest despair. All those scars - all those angry red lines against my pale white skin - told a story.

The reddest one was the one I gave myself the night after Renee tries to take me to Florida to be with her and Phil, and to get 'help' for me. It snapped me out of my numbness, yes, but it only made me worse off than before. I just couldn't stop crying that night and I was getting mad at myself, Charlie, Renee, and even Edward at one time (though that didn't last for more than a nanosecond) Through my tears I realized that me sobs were slowing down and I noticed that I was scratching my left arm as if I was crazy. But I began to get scared because I couldn't feel my motions. So I started to scratch even harder, and, when the blood was flowing into the palm of my hand, I started to feel the burning, stinging agony of what I'd done to myself. But, still, even the pain was better than the nothing I'd been feeling. And in a moment of 'enlightenment' I became addicted to my new life of pain.

But the longest was from the time that Jacob was fighting with himself about being a werewolf. He was - is - my best friend and personal sun, and he wasn't there for me. I thought that he had seen how broken I was and wanted to break ties with me. So when I was alone one night, I pulled out a knife and cut myself. When I was finished I started to cry from the force of what I'd done.

I began to run my fingers over each scar, letting the memories flow over me. I decided that as long as I could help it, no one would ever find out. It was stupid of me, but it helped me to deal with things and I can't bring myself to regret it.

Suddenly I could feel eyes staring at me from behind in the direction of the open window. I whirled around only to see the look of total anger in Edward's golden eyes. I quickly pulled my sleeves back down from my elbows to my wrists, but his eyes continued to stare at my covered arms. Finally, he met my eyes.

"You're early!" I whispered, trying desperately to change the subject before it even started.

The next thing I knew I was laying flat on my back, with Edward holding me down on my bed. He started to reach for the hem of my sleeves.

"No, Edward! Don't!" I yelled, trying to fight him off of me to keep him from seeing my personal canvas.

"I have to look, Bella!" He said, his velvety voice ruffled.

"No! No, you don't! Stop!" I panted as I continued to fruitlessly to fight him.

"Bella, I have to see how bad this is!"

His eyes smouldered into mine. "Please, Bella."

I finally gave up hope of hiding my arms. Then, as I quickly screwed my eyes together so I wouldn't have to see him realize what a pitiful this I was, I started to cry.

"Bella…" His voice was so full of despair that I opened my eyes.

He ran his hand over the longest scar - as I had moments before - and skimmed his nose all over my arms. He just looked so upset that I started sobbing.

"I - I'm sorry!" My voice shook because of my sobs.

He freed my arms and put his around me, pulling me to his chest. "Sh, Bella. It's alright…"

I didn't fully calm down until he started to hum my lullaby. After he was done, I rested my head against his chest.

"Why, Bella?" He whispered.

"I thought that you didn't love me anymore and I sort of gave up on the world. I'm really sorry, Edward." My voice still choked on tears.

He closed his eyes. "I just don't understand how you could possibly think that I didn't love you anymore, that I meant every word of what I said that day - even after every time I told you that I love you. I knew that you didn't see yourself clearly, but I didn't realize that it was this bad. And don't ever blame yourself for this: I did this to you. I don't know how I'll ever get your forgiveness or mine, but I'll try. But to see what I've done left on you forever… I'm so, so sorry, Bella. "He moved so that his ear was over my heart.

"Why are you sorry? You didn't do it." I asked.

He moved his face so he could see mine better. "If I hadn't left you in the first, you wouldn't have even felt the need to start this. If I hadn't come in and messed up your life, then you wouldn't have all these scars all over your arms. You have no idea how sorry I am. No idea, Bella."

"Well, if I can't blame myself - the one who did it - then you can't blame yourself. _Ever._ And if you hadn't come into my life, I'd be dead. You've saved me from so many dangers - even from myself."

"Obviously not from everything about yourself." He pulled his head up to frown at my arms.

We fell into silence for a few moments, but I could tell that he wanted to ask me something. He had that adorable look on his face, trying to find the right words.

I sighed. "What is it, Edward?"

"When was the last time you… hurt yourself this way?" He winced around the subject.

I tried to remember the last time. "Um… I want to say… three days before Alice came back for me? So about two months. And I promised myself that I'd stop when I first saw Alice that night. And I haven't since. Anyway, I thought that you would have figured me out long before now. I've really been dreading this conversation, but it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Thanks for that."

"So this is what you've been hiding from me this whole time? You've been so evasive about things. This morning, while I was hunting, I decided to ask you if you were secretly married or pregnant. I didn't know what it was, actually, so I had to think of something to ask. I came in here all ready to ask, and then I saw your arms… My first thought was that you'd been attacked, but I remembered Charlie's memories of how depressed you were and I put it all together. I swear to you Bella by everything that I had no idea that my leaving would have this affect on you, or that you would become that sad."

Tears were starting to come again.

"I'm really sorry. I never mean to hurt you from this… I just never thought that you'd come back for me. I hoped, but… You weren't even meant to find out about the scars. But I _am _glad that you know. I feel better, like I'm not living a lie anymore. I really hated hiding this from you. It was living Hell."

"Just promise me that you'll never, ever do anything like that to yourself ever again. No matter what happens down the road." Edward's voice dropped down to a whisper.

"There's no need now; you're back." I protested.

"Just promise me, Bella." His eyes pleaded with me more than his words.

"Alright, I promise. I won't do it ever again…"

"Thank you." He kissed me on the lips briefly.

He rolled off me and lay beside me under the quilt. As he tucked the quilt over us, he started to hum my lullaby. And when I was almost asleep and unable to respond, he whispered in my ear.

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I won't ever leave you. I can only hope that you can believe the truth as well as the lie."


End file.
